MY REFELCTION

Throughout the first 4 weeks following my surgery I lost over 20 lbs, taking me down to 130lbs. 

Now when I was in high school this is what I weighed and I thought I looked great.  I always thought that I wanted to be 130lbs.  But....now that I was there I didn't look so good.

My reflection staring back at me in the mirror was not what I would call appealing.  This surprised me, our bodies change over time.  At 130lbs my bum was flat, my hips straight and my collar bones were quite erect.
This reflection did not surprise me because I looked sickly, but I think because I had built up so much muscle and lost so much fat prior to my surgery that my body was not meant to be 130lbs as I had always thought.  My frame had changes, through weight loss and after having 3 kids, the entire shape of my body was different.  
My clothes fell off, even my skinny clothes that I had altered after losing weight prior to my surgery fell off.  A size 8 pant would slide down without being unbuttoned.  I had to purchase one pair of pants, size 6 and they were loose.  My impression of my reflection in the mirror was very surprising to me and a real eye opener.  This photo is an example of what I didnt like!

I had just spent, 8 months exercising and losing weight prior to the surgery.  Never did I expect to look in the mirror at 130lbs and say-I need to gain weight!!~  I felt shapeless, and ugly, with no boobs, lots of scars, and bruises. So I began to increase the amount of protein, fruit and veggies that I was consuming.  I began doing squats, daily.  It worked!  I have gained back about 12lbs and maintaining steady.  That 12lbs helped enormously with my self image.  I have always had an athletic curvy body type and I like it!!  I like having an ass, I like having thighs, and I like having hips!  Now I understand.......

"Sometimes you have to fall head first and not worry about the rocks beneath you"


Additionally, my entire outlook on life was forever changed.

2 weeks following my surgery, my husband had to return to work.  I was not ready physical or mentally.  I still could not do anything.  I could barely get out of bed in the morning, as soon as I woke up, I started vomiting.  I couldn't take care of my children.  I couldn't get them breakfast and ready for school.  Basically they took care of themselves.  Our 14 year old son, helped the 6 year old get dressed and made her breakfast every day.  Some days I never got out of bed at all, and I didn't even wake up before they left for school.  I had no idea if they ate, brushed their teeth, took a lunch etc.

I could not cook dinner, they lived off snacks, pizza, chicken fingers.  Basically whatever our 14 year old could cook.  My husband came home from a 12 hour shift and cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, packed school lunches and took care of me day after day.  The kids took care of themselves.  I am so proud of them, they really showed me how much love and empathy they have.  They came together as a team when I needed them to.   

This was heartbreaking.  So now, I look like an alien, feel like an alien, cant be a mother and cant be a wife.  How long could this possible go on for?

When you experience a life changing event like this, you realize what and who is most important in your life.  And I mean for real.  I had an Epiphany. 

I realized that the most important people in my life where right there in my household.  When push came to shove, and I was going through the most difficult experience of my life, my husband and kids were the only ones there for me.  The only ones who stepped up and boy did they ever! 

Prior to the surgery I was beginning to prepare mentally for the procedure and the recovery.  I am a control freak and super organized.  I knew it would be difficult to let it all go and give up complete control.  I knew that it would be difficult to allow someone to take care of me.  I was the primary caregiver.

It was Easter weekend, and one week before my surgery when I had to choose between a family function that I had always attended and spending the long weekend with my husband and kids at our cottage.  I chose the latter.  I felt that we needed that time together, I knew that it was going to be hell after the procedure. 

And I felt guilty, guilty for putting them first over other family, guilty for saying no.

We had the most amazing weekend.  We made maple syrup at our own sugar bush in Muskoka.  The kids got to know one of my great uncles who was very close to my dad.  The boys were at an age where they were very helpful collecting sap for my uncle who is 80+ years old.  Mackenzie who is 6, rode all weekend on the four wheeler with my uncle having the time of her life.  We made a hockey rink on the lake and played hours of shinny, we skated all over the lake actually.  It was truly amazing.

After the surgery, I started to reflect on these feelings of guilt, and the feeling that I had to make others happy, and I was always worried about what others thought of me or how they would judge my decisions in life.  How could I possibly feel guilty for putting my husband and family first, because when I really needed help, they were the only ones there.  They were my world, they were everything.

I found a true friend during this experience as well.  She was by my bedside on more than one occasion.  Bringing food, helping with the kids, and listening.  She was there to listen to my nonsense, support me and put me in my place when necessay.  I will always be greatful for her and I will never forget how she stepped up when I needed someone.  Especially a woman.  There were things that I could not tell my husband, and I needed a woman to talk to.