The Revelation

I believe it was some time near the end of January that everything really hit home. 

I remember telling my husband what it felt like to finally be in control, to finally be free. I couldn't hold back the tears, there was just so much emotion. Happiness, fear you name it....everything just seemed to come spewing out. 

It is really hard to describe the feelings. The weight was lifted from my shoulders. I think it finally hit me after Christmas. I suddenly realized that I had lost so much weight with what felt like no effort at all. I wasn't "dieting", I wasn't planning menus, I wasn't spending my Sundays cooking meals for the week.

And....I suddenly realized that for the first time I did not feel deprived of anything. In fact I did not think about food at all. 

Over the Christmas holidays I ate what I wanted and when I wanted. There were no feelings of guilt, and no thoughts of "tomorrow I will get back on track". Looking back at the holidays, I realized that when I ate a treat or I splurged, I stayed the course, effortless. 

And this wasn't a fad because I had been living this way for six months, it was my new life.

Perhaps this was because the Paleo lifestyle was so perfect for me. It is not a diet. In fact I can't stand it when people ask "are you still doing that Paleo diet?" 

Believe my I am very well aware of what diets are and this is not one of them. I don't believe that Paleo will work for everyone, you have to find what works for your body. 

You have to make a commitment to your own health and happiness. You have to be in control.

GOOD DAYS AND BAD DAYS

Today is just one of those days.

Some days I wake up, look in the mirror and cry.  

Today is one of them.  

It's been almost 6 months since my bilateral mastectomy and I don't know how much longer I can handle looking like this. 

Still mutilated and reconstruction not finished.

Still cant bend over, if I do they get all wrinkled up and take on a shape of their own.

I feel very ugly, certainly not sexy.  I'm not quite a woman but not a man.  Not sure what that makes me. 

I cant imagine what its like climbing in bed with me night after night.  6 months of sleeping in a bra, trying to stay covered up.   Often I wake up in the morning and realize that during the night my blanket shifted or my bra shifted.  Then the anxiety sets in wondering if anyone saw the gross mess on my chest.

Just one of those days.

 

Previvor 

The Paleo Cure and CrossFit/TRX

Beginning a Paleo lifestyle wasn't easy at first. 

I found it very difficult to let go of my assumptions surrounding fats, nuts and natural sweeteners. For the first few months I was probably far more strict than the average paleolithic person. I stayed away from pork, animal fat, sweet potatoes, nuts, seeds and other foods that were on the "banned" list. By this time I had already lost 20lbs and as I continued to research paleo recipes and blogs, I learned about TRX and CrossFit Training. 

It wasn't long before I noticed how much energy I had, and how much "lighter" I felt after only 2 months. 

 I decided to start crossfit training combined with HIIT. Believe me, I had entrusted the skills of many personal trainers and paid for many gym memberships in the past....but this time it was different. I can't explain exactly why but it was just different. It all just felt right. I could not believe how much energy I had! How powerful I was! OMG I didn't become winded after 15 minutes on the eliptical.

 One day, it occurred to me during my 10:00am workout that I hadn't eaten yet. This was weird, I mean I didn't have my breakfast or my pre-workout protein shake. And what was even stranger was that I wasn't the least bit hungry and I still had plenty of energy to complete a very high intensity workout. Following my workout, I felt a little hungry so I ate until I my body felt satisfied and nourished. This pattern continued. I ate only when I was hungry and only enough to satisfy my body's requirements. 

 This likely sounds crazy to some but it was the most exhilarating feeling in the world. A diet of high in protein, vegetables, fruit, nuts and fats was meeting all of my body's needs at the cellular level. My skin began glowing, my nails were strong, and my hair was getting thicker and shinier by the day. Avocados, nuts, seeds, bacon, fish are all favorites of mine, and after discovering my severe lactose intolerance during my elimination, a lifestyle without dairy was very appealing. 

 Another positive...this lifestyle was very easy to incorporate into my daily routine. Everyone in my family eats meat therefore, I just have to throw my vegetables on the grill, or my salad together and were good to go.

 I think it is very important to emphasize that strength training such as TRX or crossfit, is a crucial part of the paleo lifestyle. I am sure that anyone who decides to make the switch to paleo will notice a decrease in body weight at the beginning, but I have no doubt that it will not sustain without the strength training.

 You must first understand how much effort I truly put into working out and fitness prior to paleo. I attended regular boot camps, worked out 3 days per week with personal trainers, jogged, and did weight lifting. This was continuous, it wasn't as though I would workout in January following a new years resolution and then fall off the wagon a few months later. I honestly never gave up. But I never saw results either until now.

 Combining Paleo with TRX and CrossFit provided the most drastic body formation results I have ever seen or felt. I was consistently losing 4lbs per week, and gaining muscle. After 12 weeks, you could clearly see the definition in my quads, biceps, and back muscles including the intertransversarii muscle. 

This was really important especially after I was in a very bad car accident in 2011. I had completed so many 12 week conditioning and strength programs in the past, but had never seen these type of results. I was truly getting STRONG for the first time in 7 years. I went from barely being able to complete one push up on my knees to being able to complete 12 push ups on my feet! 

 I noticed one day out of the blue that I was running up the stairs in my house without even realizing it. This gave me the courage to start running. 

I could not believe it, during my first session of my couch to 5k program, I was able to run for 5 full minutes without stopping! I had shed enough excess weight from my frame that I could easily carry myself. 

 I scrapped the couch to 5k program and simply ran a little further and a little longer each day. It wasn't long before running was relaxing and fun!

TRUE LOVE ABOARD THE CARNIVAL BREEZE

On this cruise....I met the man of my dreams.

My husband......he wanted to renew our wedding vows.  After everything I had been through, everything we had been through he wanted nothing more than to make me feel loved and secure.  

From the minute we boarded the ship I was treated like royalty especially by our personal wedding coordinator Natalia.  She kept calling us "her wedding".  The first night at dinner she introduced herself as our wedding coordinator and advised us that if we need anything at all the entire week to contact her.  She also told us that she would be checking in on us every once in a while. 

But first......before the big day.....

I lined up at the shore excursion desk the first evening aboard the ship. I explained to the woman at the counter that I would not be able to take part in the zip lining excursion, and why.  Medically I was not able to participate, I had not recovered yet and I still was not able to raise my arms above my head. The ladies were amazing and so supportive.  They gave me the option of attending just to watch, but also offered to send Mackenzie and I on a mini-submarine that would go just below the surface to a coral reef in Curacao.  This was a great idea.  In La Romana, the boys would have a "boys day" and in Curacao, the girls would have their day!

The submarine was great....except the sea sickness haha.  I never imagined that I would feel that much motion under the surface of the water!  Yep as usual, I was the only person puking into a paper bag while trying to smile and laugh and make sure that Mack had a great time on her special day.  Meanwhile I'm counting down the seconds until my feet were on solid ground!  But on a positive side, we saw hundreds of species of beautiful coloured fish, an octopus, a dolphin, amazing coral and a scuba diver!

Thank you Carnival for this great excursion, it was exactly what the girls needed!

While in La Romana, Mack and I relaxed by the pool, did a little shopping in town at the market, played some mini-putt on the ship and the boys had the time of their lives zip lining!  It was so nice for Dad to be able to spend the day with them doing adventurous men stuff!  They could not stop talking about the experience!  

Back to the vow renewal.......

The captain of the ship would perform our ceremony on the first formal night at 5:00pm.  They would decorate the  liquid night club with flowers, a table with a wedding cake, flowers, candles, and beautifully etched champagne flutes.  They would provide us with unlimited champagne, and ginger ale for the kids, give us our first dance and let us cut the cake.  Everything sounded amazing.

The next morning we received a phone call in our cabin from Katrina our wedding photographer.  I scheduled a meeting at noon.

Katrina was from Ukraine....what are the chances.  She was so patient and calm.  I explained to Katrina that I was really nervous about my scars and imperfections showing in our photographs.  She completely understood.  When I looked at our gorgeous family photographs 10 years from now, I wanted to remember this day.  Not my surgery.  She understood.  She assured me that she would touch up any areas around my breasts that may peak out during photo ops.  And she did.....beautifully.

Katrina explained that she would meet us in the liquid night club prior to the ceremony to take photos of Jason, the kids and I.

From 12:00noon that day, the girls (Mack and I) did girly stuff.  We relaxed, went for a swim, showered, did our hair and make-up and put on our dresses.

In the mean time....my husband and our 2 boys did boy things.  That's all I know.

But when Mack and I arrived at the ceremony, there stood my handsome thoughtful husband and our 2 amazing sons.  All decked out in their suits and ties.  

The ceremony was magical and the kids really enjoyed being a part of our special day.  Carnival Cruise lines made this day so memorable.  Before taking every picture, our photographer ensured that my dress was sitting in the perfect spot, none of my scars were showing and I was able to completely relax.  I truly felt beautiful, loved, like the luckiest woman on earth.  

The captain arrived dressed in his officers uniform, and all smiles.  He cordially introduced himself to each one of us.  The boys were in awe and Mackenzie was speechless!  Of course she wanted to know.... "if you are here marrying my mommy and daddy.....then who is driving the ship?"  Little smarty pants.

The captain was truly professional.  He did not rush us at all, he read to us our vows, performed the ceremony flawlessly.  He remained for some photos and a little chit chat then he was off to the bridge!

After the ceremony, champagne, a dance, and cake, Katrina took us out onto the deck for a family photo.

Thank you Katrina, Natalia and Thank you Carnival Cruise Lines.  And thank you to my wonderful family for helping me forget about the prior 7 weeks and reminding me once again why I made the decision that I did.



Previvor

CRUISING 7 WEEKS POST-OP

18 months prior to my surgery, we booked a Caribbean cruise with Carnival Cruise Lines aboard their brand new ship the BREEZE.

At the time, I had no idea what lay ahead.  We booked the trip of a lifetime......2 weeks aboard Carnival's newest, biggest and most beautiful ship.  We would head 8 days south to La Romana, Grand Turk, Aruba, Curacao and 6 days west to Grand Turk, Nassau, and Ocho Rios.  This was not our first cruise by any means but our first back to back cruise where we would stay on board when the ship returned to Miami for a total of 14 days at sea.   We booked excursions such as taking a catamaran to climb Dunn's River Falls in Jamaica and zip lining in La Romana.

When my surgery was originally booked, it was scheduled 10 weeks prior to my cruise.  Based on the all of the original discussions with my surgeon this should have been plenty of time to recover.  But unfortunately the surgery was postponed more than 2 weeks due to Operating room over-booking.  I was looking at a 7 week recovery. 

Up until 1 week prior to our cruise I was still taking Percocets every 4 hours with Tylenol #3's in between, Zofran and Gravol for nausea and sleeping pills at night.  We were really starting to panic, 7 more days until embarkation and the best vacation of our lives.  We expected that I would still have some pain while on vacation but not to this extent.  Every day during the week before our cruise my pain improved during the day but nights were still a nightmare literally.  

The physical pain was the least of my concerns, I knew that I could always load up on fruity cocktails and tylenol #3!  My main concern was my state of mind.  I had worked so hard to lose weight and get toned prior to my surgery, I couldn't believe that I was going on my dream vacation looking the way I did.  I mean instead of looking sexy in my bathing suit I was frantically searching the stores for a bathing suit that would cover my scars and indentations and mangled chest. All of my bathing suits were too big, and so were my bras.  Unfortunately, with on going weekly fills of saline, I was only able to reach about a large B cup size.

I had nothing to wear on the cruise.  My formal dresses in my closet were too low cut in the front, and most of my tank tops and blouses were too revealing.  I was so stressed out, in pain and vomiting daily but had to some how put together the strength to find new clothes, pack for four kids and myself, and plan for a ceremony aboard the ship!

Yep that's right I said a ceremony:)  

Carnival cruise lines were amazing! I called about 2 weeks prior to embarkation to explain my current recovery status.  The customer service manager made lots of notes and said that they would do anything necessary to ensure my comfort.  
This included... an aditional mattress pad, extra pillows, a breakfast in bed tray so that I could sit up in bed comfortable to eat, a comfortable chair, and strawberries & champagne in our balcony suite the 1st night of our cruise with a personal note from the hotel director thanking us for choosing carnival for this special vacation and his direct cell phone number in case we needed anything. 

Over the course of the cruise, he personally checked in on us at least twice.  Honestly, Carnival made this a once in lifetime vacation!

Click here to read about our special ceremony aboard the Carnival Breeze




Previvor

A New Mindset.....A New Life

Listening to your own body.... 

I had heard this phrase many times but I was skeptical and assumed it was just another "myth". 

I was dead wrong. In fact, I had been listening to my body for a few years without even realizing it. 

While in CCU with WPW, the nurses and cardiologists were amazed that I could tell them when an episode of SVT (supraventricular tachycardia) was about to take place before it even appeared on the monitor. 

I could feel my blood pressure change from my head to my toes, it was actually a horrible feeling. I could feel my heart pause for a moment. Like when it was switching from normal sinus rhythm to SVT or Atrial fibrillation. This pause seemed like it lasted for seconds but in reality it was likely only a fraction of a second. When I would have episodes of atrial fibrillation, I could count my heart beats and fairly accurately determine my heart rate without any devices or using my fingers on my wrist. 

I was also able to tell when my heart reached a speed of more than 200 beats per minute. Basically because at that point there were no beats. 

 I began to harness this new skill. I could tell when a certain food caused a spike in my blood sugar, and what foods provided me with lasting energy. I also began to notice that I really wasn't hungry as often as I thought I was. This was perhaps the greatest realization of all! 

 How about consuming only the nutrients that your body requires, and only the amount that your body requires? I began to understand that even though I was trying to lose weight and get healthy all these years, I was actually completely consumed by food. It monopolized my entire being. 

When I wasn't preplanning my weekly menu, and making grocery lists, I was researching recipes. Every single item that I put in my mouth meant obsessing with calories and carbs. I would feel guilty for eating something normal such as bacon, or splurging on a piece of birthday cake. I can't even describe how much these thoughts consumed me. 

What happened next? Someone said to me...."why don't you try Paleo?" I began to research what Paleo was, and the more I learned, the more I loved.

CELEBRATING 1 YEAR!!

One year ago I made one of the best decisions of my life....I began a paleo lifestyle.

A Paleoithic lifestyle that includes a diet rich in protein, vegetables, fruit and nuts along with an intense fitness regimen consisting of TRX, CrossFit, Running, HIIT and most importantly..........self healing.

It has been a year filled with more emotions that you could possibly imagine.  Today, I can honestly say that I have never been stronger physically, emotionally or spiritually.

Thank you to my amazing husband who has supported me through every fad diet and exercise program, encouraged me every step of the way, and who has made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world since the day we met.  Thank you for always encouraging me to grow as a person, to see things from another perspective, and to love myself.  Together we make a Rock Solid team!

Thank you to my kids for being patient with all mommy's ups and downs, cooking crazy recipes, taking time for myself to exercise and thank you for just being you.  You are my world xoxoxo.


I look forward to many many more years of health, peace and happiness with my amazing family.

Previvor

RE-BUILDING SELF CONFIDENCE

 My new challenge......

Now that I am feeling better, stronger and more self confident, I regret not blogging throughout my entire experience.  Physically and mentally I don't think that I could have managed typing or sitting at a computer and putting together coherent thoughts for the first 6 weeks post-op but I could have jotted down some notes and taken pictures.

I wasn't ready to even look at my own breasts at 6 weeks post-op never mind show them to the world.  I have such great admiration for the woman who have been able to blog about their experience beginning right from the operating room onward.

I think of myself as being a strong woman but I guess not that strong!

6 Months Post-Op.....


Once I began receiving weekly saline fills in each breast, my self confidence slowly climbed.  

As the wrinkles and loose skin tighten, my self confidence slowly climbs.

As the nausea and panic attacks reduce, my self confidence slowly climbs.

As my clothes, blouses, tank tops, and bathing suits start fitting better, my self confidence slowly climbs.

As I was able to begin lifting a hair brush, blow drying my hair and applying make-up, my self confidence slowly climbed.

As I was able to shower alone, without a bikini top on, my self confidence slowly climbed.

As I am comfortable removing my top and bra (in the dark) during intimate situations with my husband, my self confidence slowly climbs.

So you see, slowly I am getting there......and you will too:)










Previvor

HOW MY ENTIRE LIFE CHANGED

When I say that I had an epiphany, that may sound crazy but I don't know how else to describe it. 

I am a career woman, I work hard at my job and I run my household.  I have always liked nice "things" like clothes, furnishings etc.  I have always felt that I work hard for my money and if I want to buy a new handbag I will or if I want to redecorate I will.  I guess you could say I was materialistic lol. 

I discovered that everything I needed in life was already around me.  I had everything, an amazing husband, wonderful kids, and I didn't need anything else.  Nothing at all. 

I now have no desire to buy things, or go shopping.  I could care less about new fashion or clothing.  I don't care about "stuff" at all.

This feels amazing, to finally after 38 years feel content and truly happy with what I have.  To feel completely full filled in life is something that I thought I had already but I was wrong.

Not only did I realize that I don't need material things, but also that I don't need acceptance from the people that I always thought I did.  I don't need approval from the people that I thought I did.  I realized that I would never ever get it.  No matter what, I would never truly be accepted by them or approved by them.  They will always think they are better, as a person, as a mother, as an employee, as a friend, parent etc.  So why have I wasted so many years of my life trying to please people who don't matter? The people who's opinions matter are those who can accept me for who I am and love me for who I am.

Why was I so worried about them judging me, or criticising me about my decision making, my parenting skills, my ethics or my values?  Who are they?  And better yet...where are they? 

I can finally stop living my life for others.

Living my life to make people happy who really are not a factor in my life is no longer an option. 

I am not perfect, and I make lots of mistakes.  But I am pretty freaking amazing!  I have a big heart, I have an enormous amount of empathy.  Too much according to my boss.  I have always put everyone else first, everyone else's needs and feelings first.  But not any more.  I discovered that if I am satisfied and content with myself, then I am a better person, a better mother and a better wife.  That's all that matters.  People can continue to judge, they can continue to criticise, that's okay with me.  I wont hold it against them:)  I just have more important things to worry about.

MY REFELCTION

Throughout the first 4 weeks following my surgery I lost over 20 lbs, taking me down to 130lbs. 

Now when I was in high school this is what I weighed and I thought I looked great.  I always thought that I wanted to be 130lbs.  But....now that I was there I didn't look so good.

My reflection staring back at me in the mirror was not what I would call appealing.  This surprised me, our bodies change over time.  At 130lbs my bum was flat, my hips straight and my collar bones were quite erect.
This reflection did not surprise me because I looked sickly, but I think because I had built up so much muscle and lost so much fat prior to my surgery that my body was not meant to be 130lbs as I had always thought.  My frame had changes, through weight loss and after having 3 kids, the entire shape of my body was different.  
My clothes fell off, even my skinny clothes that I had altered after losing weight prior to my surgery fell off.  A size 8 pant would slide down without being unbuttoned.  I had to purchase one pair of pants, size 6 and they were loose.  My impression of my reflection in the mirror was very surprising to me and a real eye opener.  This photo is an example of what I didnt like!

I had just spent, 8 months exercising and losing weight prior to the surgery.  Never did I expect to look in the mirror at 130lbs and say-I need to gain weight!!~  I felt shapeless, and ugly, with no boobs, lots of scars, and bruises. So I began to increase the amount of protein, fruit and veggies that I was consuming.  I began doing squats, daily.  It worked!  I have gained back about 12lbs and maintaining steady.  That 12lbs helped enormously with my self image.  I have always had an athletic curvy body type and I like it!!  I like having an ass, I like having thighs, and I like having hips!  Now I understand.......

"Sometimes you have to fall head first and not worry about the rocks beneath you"


Additionally, my entire outlook on life was forever changed.

2 weeks following my surgery, my husband had to return to work.  I was not ready physical or mentally.  I still could not do anything.  I could barely get out of bed in the morning, as soon as I woke up, I started vomiting.  I couldn't take care of my children.  I couldn't get them breakfast and ready for school.  Basically they took care of themselves.  Our 14 year old son, helped the 6 year old get dressed and made her breakfast every day.  Some days I never got out of bed at all, and I didn't even wake up before they left for school.  I had no idea if they ate, brushed their teeth, took a lunch etc.

I could not cook dinner, they lived off snacks, pizza, chicken fingers.  Basically whatever our 14 year old could cook.  My husband came home from a 12 hour shift and cleaned the kitchen, did the dishes, packed school lunches and took care of me day after day.  The kids took care of themselves.  I am so proud of them, they really showed me how much love and empathy they have.  They came together as a team when I needed them to.   

This was heartbreaking.  So now, I look like an alien, feel like an alien, cant be a mother and cant be a wife.  How long could this possible go on for?

When you experience a life changing event like this, you realize what and who is most important in your life.  And I mean for real.  I had an Epiphany. 

I realized that the most important people in my life where right there in my household.  When push came to shove, and I was going through the most difficult experience of my life, my husband and kids were the only ones there for me.  The only ones who stepped up and boy did they ever! 

Prior to the surgery I was beginning to prepare mentally for the procedure and the recovery.  I am a control freak and super organized.  I knew it would be difficult to let it all go and give up complete control.  I knew that it would be difficult to allow someone to take care of me.  I was the primary caregiver.

It was Easter weekend, and one week before my surgery when I had to choose between a family function that I had always attended and spending the long weekend with my husband and kids at our cottage.  I chose the latter.  I felt that we needed that time together, I knew that it was going to be hell after the procedure. 

And I felt guilty, guilty for putting them first over other family, guilty for saying no.

We had the most amazing weekend.  We made maple syrup at our own sugar bush in Muskoka.  The kids got to know one of my great uncles who was very close to my dad.  The boys were at an age where they were very helpful collecting sap for my uncle who is 80+ years old.  Mackenzie who is 6, rode all weekend on the four wheeler with my uncle having the time of her life.  We made a hockey rink on the lake and played hours of shinny, we skated all over the lake actually.  It was truly amazing.

After the surgery, I started to reflect on these feelings of guilt, and the feeling that I had to make others happy, and I was always worried about what others thought of me or how they would judge my decisions in life.  How could I possibly feel guilty for putting my husband and family first, because when I really needed help, they were the only ones there.  They were my world, they were everything.

I found a true friend during this experience as well.  She was by my bedside on more than one occasion.  Bringing food, helping with the kids, and listening.  She was there to listen to my nonsense, support me and put me in my place when necessay.  I will always be greatful for her and I will never forget how she stepped up when I needed someone.  Especially a woman.  There were things that I could not tell my husband, and I needed a woman to talk to.

Genetic Testing

Because of my body's reaction during surgery, I may have to undergo genetic testing or muscle cell testing for malignant hyperthermia at the Toronto General Hospital.

If I carry the mutation that causes this fatal reaction to general anesthetic then my children are at risk, and must undergo genetic testing. 

I was informed that the results can take months and in the mean time I could not ever be administered a general anesthetic.  There would be an alert placed on my health card and I need to get a medical alert bracelet. 

This contributed to more anxiety and more stress.  I had already inherited a heart defect that is extremely rare, what are the chances that the same person would also inherit a second rare condition? 

Malignant hyperthermia, WPW what else~!


Previvor

Physical Vs Emotional

Once I stopped vomiting, I was able to manage the pain better. 

The physical pain was still debilitating.  But down from a 10 on the pain scale to an 8.

Because they put empty implants into my chest and then closed me up, the implants were scraping against my ribs and newly scraped tissue.  There was nothing cushioning between my implants and my rib cage.  I could feel and hear it scraping against every rib with every breath.  For weeks I had to use short shallow breaths, I couldn't talk much or raise my voice, or get upset.  If I did the pain was unbearable again. 

I was feeling these sharp stabbing pains like a knife going deep into my chest.  Or like being electrocuted over and over again.  It was hot, and burning.  You could feel the heat coming off my chest.

The surgeon explained that I was actually feeling the nerves re-firing and reconnecting.  It was a good thing!  She explained that usually when a woman has a breast reduction or mastectomy they are over weight and lose all sensation and feeling in their breasts.  I was lucky.  She said that because I had built so much muscle, the tissue removal was very easy and very clean.  They didn't have to remove any nerves and I could expect to get most of my feeling back in my breasts.

The physical pain was only part of the problem.  What I was not prepared for was the emotional pain.

I did not consider that I would ever wake up and have no breasts. 

When I took my bandages off for the first time and looked in the mirror, it was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. 

I looked like a mutilated mess.  I did not look human anymore.  The scars, the bruising were one thing, but you have to understand that I had DD droopy boobs prior to surgery.  Because of this, all of my excess skin was simply piled on top of my chest.

The surgeon did not want to remove any skin because we had not filled the implants yet with saline.  If she removed skin then I would not have any options regarding size of my new breasts. 

This was devastating.  I never thought that I would grieve the loss of my breasts.  I was so confident with my decision and I had no real attachment to my breasts.  They served their purpose, they breast fed 3 kids. 

I experienced symptoms of severe depression, suicidal tendencies and panic attacks.  I was so easily overwhelmed.  I could not handle the kids arguing or any form of stress.

I went days upon days without sleeping.  This is not an exaggeration, I literally went 5 days or longer without one minute of sleep.  I cant explain what this was like.  Somehow your body keeps plugging along.

At my 4 week pre-op I was diagnosed with PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.  Something that is apparently common to people who experience a traumatic event.  Sometimes it can be caused by an injury, accident or pain.  I was also told that some women experience this after a mastectomy and that is was not surprising that I would given the physical trauma that my body experienced.

Most people, when having surgery under a general anesthetic are administered a large dose of opioid narcotics to keep the pain under control while the surgeons are cutting.  This pain control also normally lasts in the patent's system after surgery and throughout the recovery room period. But my narcotics were stopped 1 and 1/2 hours into my surgery.  When I woke up, I had no pain medication in my system.  This was too much of a shock to my body.

The panic attacks were occurring about 10 times a day.  The feeling of drowning, cant catch your breath, heart pounding, and this overwhelming sensation that came across my entire body from my head to my toes.

The doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill and something to calm me down.  It helped and reduced the panic attacks to perhaps once daily. 

Week 1

Week 1 was horrifying.  I was so sick and in so much pain.  I vomited continuously.  I could not eat or drink. 

Friday was my first pre-op appointment.  By Friday I had not eaten or had anything to drink in 5 days.  I had not stopped vomiting.  I could not get out of bed. 

My amazing husband did everything.  Looked after the kids, the house, and me.  He never left my side.  He was so compassionate and caring.  He administered my medications, all 7 of them and kept track of everything on a note pad. He had me on a schedule so that I would be as comfortable as possible.

However, he got frustrated.  Frustrated with the situation not with me.  He felt helpless, he couldn't help me.  Nothing he tried worked and he was angry, yelling and upset.  This was not the plan. 

Friday morning, I had no strength.  I could not lift my head off the pillow, I could barely open my eyes.  Every time I tried to left my head I threw up, the pain was so bad and I was so nauseous. 

I begged him not to make me go to the hospital.  I had nothing left in me, I was empty.  I gave up.

I have no idea how he managed to get me into the van and drive me 40 minutes to the hospital.  It is all a blur.  I remember being in the wheel chair with my head down, throwing up into a bucket as he was pushing me. 

They brought me into the examination room and when the surgeon arrived she looked shocked.  I begged her to keep me.  I said something is wrong.  She took me off the hydromorphone and immediately administered a zofran sublingual tablet.  The nausea subsided.  We switched to percocet oral every 3-4hours, and zofran sublingual every 8 hours with Tylenol #3 in between as needed.  We also added gravol 100mg every 4 hours.

Finally I started to come around, slowly my strength returned.

It took 2 full weeks before I could walk around.  I was 3 full weeks before I could put on a pair of pants or a button up shirt. 

During this time my husband was my physiotherapist, my personal support worker, my massage therapist and my nurse.  He bathed me, washed my hair, brushed my hair and put it into a pony tail.  He did all the laundry, changed my clothes, packed kids school lunches, drove them to their extracurricular activities, cooked all the meals, and looked after me.  Without any help.  It was all him. 

SuperDad.

The Operation

This was supposed to be a fairly simple outpatient procedure.  I was supposed to go home the same day.  I was supposed to wake up with new perky boobs, I was supposed to recover in 4-6 weeks.

THIS WAS ALL TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

My biggest issue with the entire experience is that I was not prepared for the possibility that things would not go as planned.  I was not told what might happen or what could happen.  I dont want any other woman to go through what I did.

We arrived at the hospital, checked in to admitting and proceeded to the day surgery department.  I was given a gown and the nurse hooked up my IV.  My husband was allowed to stay by my side until I was taken into the operating room. 

Once in the operating room, I was relaxed.  A little nervous but a little excited.  I was excited to get new perky boobies, and to eliminate any risk of developing breast cancer.  I knew this was the right decision. My dad did not get the chance to see 3 of his kids graduate from university and get married.  He did not meet grandchildren.  He did not see my accomplishments.  I do not want to miss out on any of these things.  This was not a cosmetic surgery, it was a medical surgery. 

The plastic surgeon started using a black marker to draw on my boobs.  The general surgeon entered the OR and spoke calming reassuring words to me.  They would work together as a team.  After the general surgeon removed the tissue from the first breast, the plastic surgeon would start reconstructing it right away.  This way the surgery is complete in 3-4 hours. 

The anesthetist introduced himself and my eyes slowly closed.

When my eyes opened, I was being wheeled out of the operating room.  I felt as if my guts were still hanging out.  I was screaming, the pain was like nothing I can ever describe to you.  I would compare it to the likes of amputation, even though I have never experienced that.  I started vomitting, crying, and screaming for help.  Something was very wrong.

I immediately look down to my chest, lift up my gown and NO BOOBS.

It took so long for anyone to come and help me.  Finally, a nurse, and the doctors came to explain.

I had a reaction to the general anesthetic.  About 1 hour into the surgery, my heart rate sky rocketed, and my blood pressure dropped to 40/20 and my respiration dropped to 9.

They tried different combinations of narcotics but it only made things worse.  The anesthetist had to stop giving me any medication for pain.  They had to bring my vitals back up so that the surgeons could have enough time to close me up.  The  reconstruction was not completed.  They told me that my body could not have handled any more, I would have died.

Apparantly I may have a genetic condition called Malignant Hyper/Hypothermia.  A fatal reaction to general anaesthetic. 

How would I have known this?  I had never had a general anesthetic before.  I was not aware of any family members having issues with general anesthetics.

I had to stay over night in the hospital.  They provided me with a hydromorphone pump that I could trigger a release every 15 minutes.

My respiration continued to drop every time I self administered the narcotic from the pump.  The machines would go off, nurses would come running and they would take the pump away from me until my blood pressure and respiration went back up.  During this time there was no pain meds.  Why? because the doctor didnt give an order for a back up.

This went on for hours.  Finally I screamed for them to send me the pain management team asap.  I kept ringing the nurses call button until they sent someone.  I knew as a health care professional, I was entitled to have my pain managed.  I dont care if you dont have an order, get one!

The pain management team arrived 12 hours later.  We tried some different options with only little improvement. 

Oral hydromorphone was working better, my vitals were not crashing.  We started zofran to stop the vomitting and eventually I was able to hold down soup etc.

I was discharged 24 hours later.  I was not ready to go home.  The pain was surreal.  I could not walk, get up and down, lift my arms, cough, sneeze, go to the bathroom.  Basically I was useless.

This is when I realized how important the Paleo and crossfit preparation was.  I was able to use muscles that I never knew I had to get up and down out of bed, and go to the washroom.

The recovery was tramatic.

MY DECISION TO UNDERGO A PROPHYLACTIC SKIN SPARING BILATERAL MASTECTOMY

After much discussion with my husband, I finally came to a decision about which type of surgery I would have.


I decided to go with the breast implants.

Basically-the option of using my abdominal fat and tissue was just too risky and the recovery was too long.  I have a heart condition (WPW) and I we were concerned with how my heart would handle 8-10 hours on the operating table.  In addition, I have 4 kids at home, how could I possibly be out of commission for 12-16 weeks. 

Not only that...I forgot to mention that option 1 (using my abdominal tissue) would require a hospital stay of one week.  I would be given an epidural that would remain in place for 3 days minimum to manage the pain, plus a pain pump.  This really freaked me out!  How could I have an epidural for 3 days straight!  Toooooo Risky for me!

Option 2 (Implants) was a day surgery, no overnight hospital stay at all.  I was assured that I would wake up with new sexy breasts, stay in recovery for a couple of hours and then go home with some good drugs!

I went back to see the surgeon to let her know what I had decided.

We went over the pre-op, and post-op care.  She said that I would be in bed for 1 week, then getting up in week 2.  By week 3 I would be starting to help with kids lunches and light duties and by week 4 I would be driving them to school and preparing light meals.

She advised that I would need a care giver for weeks 1 and 2.  I would need to someone to bathe me, dress me, and administer my narcotics for pain relief. 

After the surgery we would wait about 3-4 months before reconstructing and tattooing my nipples.  This is so my breasts have time to settle into place and I have time to make sure I am happy with the size.

My husband took 2 weeks off from work to care for me and our 4 children.

I am going to tell you that we were 100% not prepared for what would happen next!



Previvor

THE SURGERY

I am writing about my experience dealing with women's breast issues and going through what I believe was the most difficult time in my life.

 I hope to open the dialogue and inspire women to talk about their experiences, fears, anxiety, hopes and dreams. Many women may be considering this treatment option and would like to hear from someone who has gone through it.

This post may come across as being negative, but I want you to know that I am doing my best to provide you with a true account of my experience and my physical and emotional state during the process.

I sure wish someone had given me the "true story" or even attempted to prepare me for every possible outcome.

After exercising and eating Paleo for 6+ months my surgery date was finally around the corner. I was about to undergo a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. I had done countless hours of research online and read numerous breast cancer blogs. I went to my pre-op appointment confident and lets say cocky. I thought I knew exactly what I wanted.

I had read about a type of surgery where they utilize your abdominal fat to reconstruct your breasts! Perfect I thought! A free tummy tuck and realistic perky breasts all at the same time! There is no decision right?................Wrong

My amazing surgeon presented me with all the options.

Option 1. use my abdominal fat while preserving all muscles.  Skin preserving mastectomy.

concerns:

a) massive scar 1 inch above my belly button all the way across from one hip to the other. Not exactly what I was expecting! And not exactly like the photos I had seen online. The surgeon showed me real photos. This is a massive ugly scar that I would have to hide. I know I would not feel comfortable bearing my mid section ever again with this scar.

b) 8-10 hours under a general anesthetic on the operating table. 12-16 weeks of recovery. c) And they are not 100% certain they can preserve the abdominal muscles until they actually open me up and find the vein that will be used to connect the new breast tissue and keep it alive. Sometimes the vein is hidden deep below the abdominal muscle and when the start digging around they end up doing more damage. In this case it is better to actually use one abdominal muscle to connect the new breast tissue. I have to sign a consent authorizing the surgeon to use the muscle if she has to. If I dont sign the consent, and she can't perform the simpler surgery, she will close me up and not complete the work.

Pros:

a) Realistic breasts, my own tissue, and a flatter abdomen.

Option 2. Use new cohesive gel implants which she described as a jelly donut.  They are made of a gummy bear type consistency with a hollowed center.  Skin Preserving Mastectomy.

concerns:

a) Not my own tissue.  They may look fake and feel fake. 

b) All of my breast tissue will be removed.  Therefore, there will be nothing except a layer of skin covering my implant.  This means that when I bend over or move in certain ways my breasts will look strange.  They may crease or wrinkle.

c) My body could reject the implants and I may have to start over from scratch.

d) No tummy tuck

Pros:

a) 3-4 hours of total surgery

b) 6 weeks of recovery

c) The implant is adjustable.  I will have a port for as long as I want.  The surgeon and adjust my size up or down as often as I like until I am happy.

I left the doctors office so upset, confused and stressed.  I was so sure that I knew what I wanted!  Now I was more confused than ever. 

I had about one week to make my decision.

Previvor

The Elimination

In 2011 I began to suffer from severe gastric problems including ulcers.

The pain and effects on some days was debilitating and embarrassing. I underwent every medical test possible, eliminated gluten from my diet and felt some minor benefits. The problem was that although I felt a little better, I still could not lose any weight. Gluten free food is expensive and tastes like crap for the most part, unless you have the time to bake at home and experiment.

After several consultations with gastro specialists and surgeons, I was scheduled for surgery early 2012 to deal with my severe ulcer. The ulcer was located just below my pyloric sphincter. There was going to be a long recovery and an enormous amount of side effects during this recovery.

As the surgery date moved closer, I got more apprehensive. Part of the pre-op was for me to meet with a nutritionist at the hospital to discuss how I will eat following the surgery. Liquids, pureed, strained foods, ensuring that I get enough protein each day.....well the whole thing freaked me out!

However, this wonderful nutritionist opened my eyes to a world of information that I had not learned before. We discussed how it might be possible to repair my ulcer and eliminate my discomfort by simply changing my diet.

She focused on PH and Alkalinity instead of calories and fat. This made perfect sense! After 1 month of following a more alkaline diet, I began to feel amazing. Not 100% but still amazing.

The next step was to complete an elimination process to weed out which foods specifically were causing me pain. I followed Whole Life Nutrition's elimination diet then slowly added one type of food back at a time.

This was unbelievable! Foods such as broccoli, cucumber, green peppers made my stomach ache. Sugars such as maple syrup, honey, and agave syrup gave me migraines, and I was amazed at how I could feel my blood sugar spiking and then crashing. This was when I first started listening and paying attention to what my own body was telling me. This would forever change my life.