WHO IS THIS PERSON?

Since beginning a paleo lifestyle in 2012 I have lost 85lbs, gone down from a size 14 to a size 6,  and gained muscle, strength and endurance.

 

But for some reason I cant shake the feeling that I have lost something else.

My identity.

Emotionally the past year has been a roller coaster to say the least.  Losing my breasts has been far far more traumatic then I could have ever anticipated.  But that is something I am working on and making small progress daily.

Physically however, I am not sure who I am any more.
Its not just about my breasts.  I am not sure how to explain it, but its almost as though I don't recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror.

This feeling has come as a surprise to me because its not as though I spent my entire life chubby and over weight.
The person who has been staring back at me in the mirror for the past 7 years was NOT me.  And I have tried so desperately to get my "real self" back.  So now that I have my "real self" back, how come I don't recognize her?

But its not just me that doesn't recognize her.

Acquaintances and friends who haven't seen me in a while, no longer recognize me.  Now that hockey has started again, I will walk up to someone I know at the arena prior to my sons game and say hello, but there is this awkward pause, and dazed look in their eyes because they do not recognize me.

The first time it happened, we both kind of chuckled with the other person saying "oh my gosh, sorry I didn't know recognize you, you look great".

Maybe it was kinda flattering the first or second time but after 15 times, I don't even want to say hi to anyone or make eye contact.  I find myself trying to avoid that surprised look and then that look that comes across their face when they realize who I am.

On Friday, I attended a large recruitment show.  I walked right up to a fellow colleague who I am not close to but have attended many staff meetings and work functions with over the past 3 years.  Mind you in this person's defence I don't think we have crossed paths since last Christmas because I was off work having surgery and then off work for summer vacation.

They still had no idea who I was.  In fact straight out said "I know you from somewhere, but I can't remember where".

Last year we served on 2 education committees together.


The other concern is....

I feel like over the past 8 years is when I really created my own identity.  Although I was always thin and fit prior, it wasn't until my father passed away that I began a new life for myself.  I had just settled down in a new town with a new family.  I met new friends, my kids enrolled in new sports programs and a new school.  I started to form relationships with these people and with myself.

I had a life with a really good man. We now have a beautiful family, and a home.

I fell into an amazing teaching career, have since gone back to university to further my education.

I created an identity for myself.  Something that I never really had before.  I became strong and independent.

This is the person that my friends, colleagues and acquaintances know and recognize.  Not the thin, fit person they see before them now.  They didn't know the "old" me from 10 years ago.  Back then I lived in a different city, it was a different life.


So now I find myself avoiding people.   Avoiding the awkwardness.


Having these weird new breasts staring back at me in the mirror on top of the thin, fit figure only complicates my perception of my new old self.

Weird right?  Maybe it just takes time to adjust.  I mean don't get me wrong, I freakin love the person I see looking back at me in the mirror! She is Sexy, smart, strong, funny, loving, caring and kind.  She is just new that's all.