Physical Vs Emotional

Once I stopped vomiting, I was able to manage the pain better. 

The physical pain was still debilitating.  But down from a 10 on the pain scale to an 8.

Because they put empty implants into my chest and then closed me up, the implants were scraping against my ribs and newly scraped tissue.  There was nothing cushioning between my implants and my rib cage.  I could feel and hear it scraping against every rib with every breath.  For weeks I had to use short shallow breaths, I couldn't talk much or raise my voice, or get upset.  If I did the pain was unbearable again. 

I was feeling these sharp stabbing pains like a knife going deep into my chest.  Or like being electrocuted over and over again.  It was hot, and burning.  You could feel the heat coming off my chest.

The surgeon explained that I was actually feeling the nerves re-firing and reconnecting.  It was a good thing!  She explained that usually when a woman has a breast reduction or mastectomy they are over weight and lose all sensation and feeling in their breasts.  I was lucky.  She said that because I had built so much muscle, the tissue removal was very easy and very clean.  They didn't have to remove any nerves and I could expect to get most of my feeling back in my breasts.

The physical pain was only part of the problem.  What I was not prepared for was the emotional pain.

I did not consider that I would ever wake up and have no breasts. 

When I took my bandages off for the first time and looked in the mirror, it was the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced. 

I looked like a mutilated mess.  I did not look human anymore.  The scars, the bruising were one thing, but you have to understand that I had DD droopy boobs prior to surgery.  Because of this, all of my excess skin was simply piled on top of my chest.

The surgeon did not want to remove any skin because we had not filled the implants yet with saline.  If she removed skin then I would not have any options regarding size of my new breasts. 

This was devastating.  I never thought that I would grieve the loss of my breasts.  I was so confident with my decision and I had no real attachment to my breasts.  They served their purpose, they breast fed 3 kids. 

I experienced symptoms of severe depression, suicidal tendencies and panic attacks.  I was so easily overwhelmed.  I could not handle the kids arguing or any form of stress.

I went days upon days without sleeping.  This is not an exaggeration, I literally went 5 days or longer without one minute of sleep.  I cant explain what this was like.  Somehow your body keeps plugging along.

At my 4 week pre-op I was diagnosed with PTSD, or post traumatic stress disorder.  Something that is apparently common to people who experience a traumatic event.  Sometimes it can be caused by an injury, accident or pain.  I was also told that some women experience this after a mastectomy and that is was not surprising that I would given the physical trauma that my body experienced.

Most people, when having surgery under a general anesthetic are administered a large dose of opioid narcotics to keep the pain under control while the surgeons are cutting.  This pain control also normally lasts in the patent's system after surgery and throughout the recovery room period. But my narcotics were stopped 1 and 1/2 hours into my surgery.  When I woke up, I had no pain medication in my system.  This was too much of a shock to my body.

The panic attacks were occurring about 10 times a day.  The feeling of drowning, cant catch your breath, heart pounding, and this overwhelming sensation that came across my entire body from my head to my toes.

The doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill and something to calm me down.  It helped and reduced the panic attacks to perhaps once daily.